What Are the Four Behaviors That Cause 90% of All Divorces?

What Are Gottman's Four Horsemen?

Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist who has studied over 40,000 couples across four decades, identified four communication patterns that reliably predict divorce. His research at the University of Washington's "Love Lab" demonstrated that these behaviors predict relationship failure with 93.6% accuracy.

1. Criticism

Criticism attacks your partner's character rather than addressing a specific behavior. Instead of saying "I was upset when you forgot to call," criticism sounds like "You never think about anyone but yourself."

Warning signs:

• Statements beginning with "You always..." or "You never..."
• Attacking personality traits rather than actions
• Generalizing isolated incidents into character flaws

Gottman's research found that criticism typically escalates over time if not addressed, often progressing to contempt.

2. Contempt

Contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. It involves treating your partner with disrespect, mockery, ridicule, or superiority. Eye-rolling, sneering, name-calling, and hostile humor all signal contempt.

Why contempt is most damaging:

• Couples who express contempt are more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses (colds, flu) due to weakened immune systems from chronic stress
• Contempt conveys disgust, making partners feel worthless
• Research shows contemptuous couples divorce an average of 5.6 years after marriage

3. Defensiveness

Defensiveness is a response to criticism where one partner refuses to accept responsibility and instead counter-attacks or plays the victim. While understandable as self-protection, it escalates conflict rather than resolving it.

Common defensive responses:

• "That's not true, you're the one who..."
• "I only did that because you..."
• Cross-complaining instead of addressing the issue

Defensiveness prevents problem-solving because neither partner feels heard.

4. Stonewalling

Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from interaction entirely — shutting down, turning away, or physically leaving. This happens when someone becomes physiologically flooded with stress hormones, making productive conversation impossible.

Statistics on stonewalling:

• 85% of stonewallers are men, according to Gottman's research
• Stonewalling typically develops after years of the other three horsemen going unaddressed
• Partners who stonewall have heart rates exceeding 100 beats per minute during conflict

How Do These Behaviors Lead to Divorce?

These four patterns create a negative cycle that erodes fondness and admiration — the foundation of lasting marriages. Gottman found that stable couples have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions, while couples heading toward divorce drop to 0.8:1 or lower.

Can Marriages Survive the Four Horsemen?

Yes, but only with intentional intervention. Gottman's research shows couples who learn "antidotes" to each horseman — such as using "I" statements instead of criticism, building a culture of appreciation instead of contempt, taking responsibility instead of being defensive, and self-soothing instead of stonewalling — can reverse destructive patterns.

Couples therapy with a Gottman-trained therapist has shown success rates of approximately 75% for couples willing to do the work.

When to Consult a Family Law Attorney

If these patterns have caused irreparable damage to your marriage and reconciliation isn't possible, consulting a family law attorney can help you understand your options for divorce, legal separation, or mediation. Early legal guidance can protect your interests while you make decisions about your future.