What Should I Do After Discovering My Spouse Had an Affair During Our Marriage?

How Does Discovering an Affair Change the Divorce Process?

Finding out your spouse was unfaithful — especially during a vulnerable time like maternity leave — is a profound betrayal. Beyond the emotional devastation, this discovery has real legal implications you need to understand.

Approximately 40% of marriages affected by infidelity end in divorce, according to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Research from the Institute for Family Studies shows that 16% of married people report having had sex with someone other than their spouse during the marriage. You are far from alone in this experience.

The legal impact of adultery depends entirely on your state. In fault-based divorce states like New York, Virginia, and Illinois, you can file on grounds of adultery under statutes like N.Y. Dom. Rel. Law § 170 or Va. Code § 20-91. In no-fault states like California, the court does not consider marital misconduct when granting the divorce itself, though it may still matter for financial decisions.

Will Adultery Affect Spousal Support or Property Division?

In many jurisdictions, adultery can influence alimony awards. For example, under N.C. Gen. Stat. § 50-16.3A, a dependent spouse who proves the supporting spouse committed adultery creates a presumption in favor of alimony. Conversely, in Texas, Tex. Fam. Code § 7.001 allows courts to consider fault — including adultery — when dividing the marital estate, potentially awarding a larger share to the faithful spouse.

However, in equitable distribution states like Pennsylvania and New Jersey, courts focus primarily on economic factors rather than fault. Roughly 41 states now offer some form of no-fault divorce, meaning adultery alone may not dramatically change outcomes.

What Immediate Steps Should I Take?

Protecting yourself legally and financially is critical right now:

1. Preserve evidence — Save text messages, emails, bank statements, and credit card records showing unexplained expenses. Do not access accounts you are not authorized to use.
2. Secure financial documents — Gather tax returns, pay stubs, retirement account statements, and mortgage documents. Our property division guide explains what records matter most.
3. Open individual accounts — Establish a bank account and credit card solely in your name if you do not already have one.
4. Consult a family law attorney — An attorney in your jurisdiction can explain whether adultery affects your specific case. Find a divorce attorney in your area who understands fault-based claims.
5. Prioritize your children — Courts in every state use a best interests of the child standard for custody. Keep your children's routines stable and avoid disparaging your spouse in front of them.

Does the Timing of the Affair Matter?

Yes. The fact that the affair began during your maternity leave — when you were handling childcare, household responsibilities, and postpartum recovery — may be relevant context for a court evaluating spousal support. Courts often consider the sacrifices each spouse made during the marriage, including career interruptions for child-rearing. Use our alimony estimator to understand potential support ranges in your state.

How Do I Move Forward?

Statistics show that the average divorce takes 12 to 18 months from filing to finalization. During this time, individual therapy and a strong legal team are your two most important resources. Many people in your situation also benefit from exploring our Divorce Questions hub for answers to the dozens of questions that will come up throughout this process.

Laws vary significantly by state and province — what matters in a Virginia courtroom may be irrelevant in California. A local family law attorney can evaluate the specific facts of your situation and advise you on the strongest path forward.